Current mood:	about my life!
Current music:	dawson's creek-tuck&paceys and joeys song

hey
hey everyone, i know it's been awhile since i write, so i'm going to write a long one for you today!! sorry Amber i wasn't reading the journals till today, yeah i know how it is and about everything, i'm so sick of this life as u can probelly tell from my poem what the point!! i made it just a few seconds ago off the top of my head and from inside my heart!! anyways i gave blood today i was # 52 donor, i got a red wrap up,i also got a sticker that says be nice to me i gave blood!! a little niddel was worth saving atlest 4 peoples lifes!! i have been having a ruff time all the time!! my company sucks they give me headues all the time i'm not alowed to write them up because of the new law!! and i can't give them push up's because it's agest the new code!! man this sucks, i'm tired. sleep as can be Lauren my sister says hey!! but anyways, i still haven't herd anything from dereck i'm beining to think he's dead, oh well he's in a better place, but yet i can't really say that because i never really liked that saying, because when mike died when i was 16, somone told me that and i told him so he wasn't good with me, i made that person shut the fuck up really fast, i'm a bit moddy no i'm not pms, i did that a week ago, i'm pretty when i'm not that though i don't get moody i just crave food, and sex alot. but must hold out on the sex part because i want to wait till i'm a wife so i can have that speical thing with my husben!! resently i have been craving somthing i haven't had in a long time, and it's a good thing, and that's to be held. i haven't been held since i was with Joel. well in person anyways. i want closeuer, i want to be held, to be kissed, i want to be with somone that would love me for me, and not want to change me, i want to be the one who finly gets ingaged, oh and by the way incase michelle derr reads this she's a toal lier she told everyone she was married to tom. lier. i'm not that dumb. nor that callabel. by the way u sent that to everyone on your list on yahoo about a mouth ago and i checked it out and i know your lieing. i don't like liers. nor do i like cheaters, might also be why i dump alot of guys because everybody things i'm nice well i'll show them nice. i have been in 3 fist fights at school, and i'm not scared to kick anyone's ass. i'm sick of being the nice girl and not the one with the true one. jordan was so right about alot of things. i try to be a caring person and when i am everybody takes me as an advangtage. and i'm sick of being used, a guy i dated only dated me because i act like a one of the guys so he thought it would be cool, well i be cool and dumt him. i'm not a bad person. i try to be nice and sweet and try to help others but when it comes to myself theres nothing i can do i fuck up my life to much. maybe i loved joel to much maybe that's why we broke up!! it hurts so much i miss him so much i miss the way his eyes would light up when i walked in the room, the way he would always smile at me to tell me he's happy, the way his little nose would purk when were out together, the way he would show me off to all his friends and the way he would kiss me just right everytime. it fauilt right everytime. i miss the way he told me he loved me, the way we played wifey and hubby.The way we would help each other, he didn't have a probelm with me being a witch. he tryed to help me out with everything he could, and i tryed to help him with everything i could. i teached him how to clean a house, a car, his room, how to save money, to be nice to people, don't let people use or walk all over him.we slept together doing nothign but sleeping. we trust each other more then anything we new we loved each other and at times we new we would get married because we were perfect togther.i miss his brown eyes fixed on my blue eyes. but his mom took that all away from me. then joel said we should break up because he's suck up his moms ass. it' hurts so much i have so much pain there were times i wanted him i wanted to give him my virgaintedy but i didn't!!! well i'm going to lye down i'm feeling a little light headed. so i'm bouncing later love yeah all!!
love Amanda